Friday, May 22

Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation (1994)


"Ain't no fuckin' biggie..."


A.K.A. The Return of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Directed by Kim Henkel
84 Minutes (home video version) / Sony Home Entertainment DVD / Anamorphic 1.85:1 Widescreen

Henkel could be a unheralded genius. If the co-writer of the original Texas Chainsaw purposely fashioned this film to be a remake put through the grist mill of how generally shitty early '90s mainstream Horror flicks were, then yes, Henkel succeeded gloriously. Of course, this isn't the case, with the director/writer intent upon making a "real" sequel to the '74 classic. Boy, this is one epic fuck-up.

Apparently the film was besieged with production problems. That's no excuse for what's on screen as everything is wrong-headed. It's as if the original and the third sequel conceived a child whilst doing copious amounts of blow during the pregnancy with Henkel's work as the horrifying and sad result. It's a remake of the original with hints of Burr's sequel and no aspects denote this being a pseudo-second sequel "real" or otherwise.

maybe it was all a fluke?

The cast makes every character on screen incredibly unlikeable, even the supposed protagonists. You literally don't care if a bus fucking crushes their skeletons to bring the end credits after the opening drive conversation about sex and cancer. It's amazing Zellweger hit it big right after this landing a role in Empire Records being just as bland as the rest of the ladies. McConaughey enlivens the screen a little, basically creating a sporadic dust devil in a vacuum of suck, and what the fuck is with the robotic leg controlled by TV remotes. Though it is quite fun seeing Matthew repeatedly treat his fellow future millionaire like rough trade.

go fuck yourself

Robert Jacks' take on Leatherface is by far the worst offender. The musical composer doubling as an actor shits all over the role and we get an obese man constantly screaming like a woman with the character's subtle gender confusion taken to simply stupid heights. It's the worst performance of a fright icon yet without question. Yes, even including pudgy Bradley showing up for a check in Hellraiser's later direct-to-video hell. Henkel also greatly pushes him into the background for McConaughey, some idiot who knows historic quotes, and another idiot with rings through his belly skin.

the best part...all half a second

What was everyone thinking? You can't go home. The prospects for nothing but a trainwreck should have been obvious from the first kernels of thought rolling about in Henkel's head. This "return" only hurts the original (along with the others) in a roundabout way much like Russo's constant fixation with tarnishing Night of the Living Dead with his own laughable "re-imaginings" and recuts. The IMDB lists this as "Comedy/Horror" and if this was the intent all along that only furthers the condemnation. And to think diehards got all bitchy over Bay's '03 remake. This is the piece of shit they should have been railing against at full force to this day and beyond.

Film: 0.5/10
DVD Picture: 5/10 (doubt it could look much better, even in HD)
DVD Sound: 6/10

4 comments:

Johnny 666 said...

Probably my most hated film. And as I was reading down the review, I was getting ready to write 'the only good thing in this film were the pair of tits early on', but then I saw you had the decency to include a screen cap of said tits.

Bless you, good sir.

Carl (ILHM) said...

Now for my biggest question, did you note any of the key differences between the 84 and 94m runs in this watch through?

Sehnzeleid said...

That pair flash is really the only thing I remembered distinctly from the first time I watched it over ten years ago, Johnny.

Carl, the IMDB lists the differences and I figured the shorter the better. Hahaha.

J. Astro said...

"This is the piece of shit they should have been railing against at full force to this day and beyond."

I always have hated this shit-burger, mainly for the way in which Leatherface is reduced to nothing more than a sobbing tranny. And I'd forgotten the dull moron with his idiotic history quotes. I'm frankly amazed anyone who's seen this once would ever dare go back and suffer through it again... you are a bigger man than I am, sir. (well, maybe not bigger in terms of actual physical girth, but you get my meaning).

...do you dare tread upon the staircase?
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