"A puke grenade, asshole!"
Directed by Pierluigi Ciriaci
90 Minutes / Vista Home Entertainment / Cropped from 1.85:1 to full screen
After a practically empty "U.S.A.Base" (?!?) in Puerto Rico is attacked by a mere five rebels and a crudely fashioned wooden box with a radioactivity symbol is stolen with less hassle than shoplifting from Wal Mart, Mark Gregory and Fred Williamson go on a vengeance trail by jet to recover the nuclear device and avenge the killing of Gregory's dumbass "lemme walk into gunfire" pregnant wife. Sound stupid already, right?
Bo Svenson then shows up to do nothing but be a commander back at home base. The two deflectors eject from the jet (each at different times) and wander (for fifteen minutes) the Bosnian-doubling-for-South-America hills. Williamson is inevitably captured on the basis of being black (shades of Inglorious Bastards) and held for some interrogation by a little electric ball torture.
Gregory appears on the scene with his trusty slingshot to bust his fellow blue-balled commando out. Here the randomized solider baddies prove themselves to be Bellevue patients and Gregory gets some prime time to flex his stoic Schwarzenegger a la Terminator impression. Both somehow end up in a broke-ass bus to wander the Bosnian-doubling-for-South-America hills...again.
A chopper arrives that can't aim worth a shit at a full size bus and meekly the bus gets tired of this shit and stalls. Get ready for a solid ten minutes of the chopper circling the bus, firing upon it, and opting to not just blow it up. Our heroes obtain the bird through some gymnastics and one of the dying baddies explodes the entire bus with a flare gun apparently packed with a pound of C4 judging from the enormity of the boom.
Finally, we arrive at a dried up dam bridge and the GI's chopper manages to befuddle a small army armed with automatics and bazookas. The primary Latin heel with pizza shit on his cheek then brings the eggbeater down with one shot from three hundred yards away. Gregory and the perpetually confused Williamson crash land and proceed to get down and dirty for the climatic showdown.
If it's Italian-made, it'll offer something. You just can't help but laugh at how awful the whole thing is. Check out the Japanese trailer over at YouTube and you'll gain all the knowledge you need.
VHS Picture: 7/10
VHS Sound: 6/10
HORSES OF GOD (2012)
10 hours ago